Beautifully Broken

Readings for today: Genesis 32-34, Psalm 10

There is nothing harder than having to face the serious consequences of the decisions you’ve made in your life. You have no one else to blame. Nowhere else to go. Nowhere left to hide. It’s just you coming to grips with the choices you made and the ripple effect they created for your family, friends, and community. I can’t tell you the number of times this has happened in my life. It’s never easy. It’s always painful. It creates all kinds of shame and heartbreak. And though I’ve often tried to run away from it all, God is faithful. He brings me back. He sets me in front of the mirror. He forces me to face myself in all my failures. He breaks me so that He might build me back up.

Jacob finds himself between a rock and hard place. He has burned every bridge possible. Laban, the father-in-law he defrauded, is behind him. Esau, the brother he usurped, is in front of him. For all he knows, he and his family are about to be wiped out. He’s under tremendous pressure. His fears and anxieties have gotten the best of him. All his scheming and manipulation have brought him to this point. God has him right where He wants him. He meets Jacob down by the river. He wrestles with Jacob all night long. He forces Jacob to come grips with all his failures. He breaks Jacob utterly to the point where he is given a new name and a new identity. He will now be known as “Israel”, the one who struggles with God. The one who walks with a limp for the rest of his life as a reminder of his encounter with the Holy One.

Perhaps you know how Jacob feels? Perhaps you too have wrestled with God? Perhaps you have been broken by Him? I know I have. My life is not the same as it was prior to 2009. I wrestled with God for months, spending almost every night pacing and arguing and cursing out God in prayer. I fought with God. I battled God. And I was utterly broken before Him. God did to me what He did to Jacob. He was faithful to stay in the fight. He never overwhelmed me. Never forced Himself on me. He simply waited until I exhausted myself struggling against Him. Once I came to the end of myself, He held a mirror up to my soul. There I saw all the ugliness of my pride and anger and frustration and bitterness and selfishness and fear reflected back at me. God gave me a choice in that moment. I could choose to continue fighting or I could surrender to His will for my life. Thankfully, I chose the latter but believe me when I say I walked away from that encounter with a serious limp.

Friends, God’s plan for your life is simple. He wants you to become more like Jesus. He is like a master sculptor taking up his hammer and chisel to break those parts of you that don’t belong. He is molding and shaping you in ways you cannot see. He is always at work using everything you’re going through in your life to complete the good work He’s begun in you. This is not an easy process. It is not a clean or neat process. It is not a linear process. It is often painful and hard and confusing. We often resist His sanctifying work in our lives. But God is faithful. He is patient. He will keep wrestling with us until we finally surrender to Him.

Readings for tomorrow: Genesis 35-37, Psalm 11

Self-Righteousness

Readings for today: Genesis 30-33

All of us are righteous in our own eyes. All of us have a great capacity to justify our thoughts, decisions, feelings, and actions. It’s been said that “humanity’s ability to sin is only exceeded by her ability to rationalize away her sin.” I believe that with all my heart because I know my heart. I know how easy it is for me to blame-shift. I know how easy it is for me to shirk responsibility. I know how easy it is for me to justify my anger, frustration, hatred, bitterness, etc.

Many years ago, my life was at a breaking point. My job was not going well. I could feel the walls closing in. Every conversation with those I reported to seemed to end in conflict. I felt helpless. I was discouraged. It took a huge effort just to get out of bed each day. Rather than own my responsibility for the condition I found myself in, I blamed others. I retreated emotionally and relationally from those I loved. I neglected my wife and children. I spent hours distracting myself. All to no avail. This went on for months. My wife grew more and more distant and angry and upset. My children bore the brunt of my frustration. And I justified every bit of it because I was hurt. I was misunderstood. I was being let down. Finally my wife sat me down for the hardest conversation we’ve ever had in our marriage. “I never thought I’d ever say this but I don’t like being married to you. You need to decide between me and your job. You have 24 hours.” Her words broke me. That night I wrestled with God. I yelled at Him. Shook my fists. Blamed Him for everything that had gone wrong. For hours I paced the floor, pouring out all my fears and frustrations at Him. He simply listened and waited. Eventually I exhausted myself and said, “God, I need your help. I’ve made a mess of my life. I’ve got nothing left. And I’m afraid I’m going to lose everything I hold dear.” God replied, “I know. I’m sitting in the middle of the mess with you. I’ve never left your side. I know you are afraid. I know you’ve failed. I know you’ve hurt those you love the most. But I can restore all things if you will simply hand your life over to me.” Thankfully, I did. It’s taken years but God has not only restored my marriage and my family and my career but He has given me so much more. 

I think about my story every time I read the story of Jacob. Jacob was a master manipulator. A schemer to the core. He justified all sorts of sin in his life. He stole from his brother. He lied to his father. He was a poor husband and father. He took advantage of his uncle. He even tried to cut deals with God. All in an effort to avoid responsibility. Avoid accountability. Avoid facing the music. Eventually things caught up to him. He was traveling back to the land of his father when he heard his brother was on the way to meet him. He had four hundred men with him. Jacob assumed a reckoning was coming so he did what he always did. He tried to buy his way out of it. He sent his brother gifts. Attempts at flattery. None of it worked. Finally, Jacob had no choice but send his family over the river. Now he was all alone. The walls were finally closing in. He had nowhere to run. Nowhere to hide. God had him right where He wanted him. All night long, Jacob wrestled with God. We do not know what went through Jacob’s mind but if his experience was anything like my own, I am sure God confronted him all of his past sin and it broke him. Literally. Physically. He would walk with a limp for the rest of his life. But he was now free. 

What about you? Where do you find yourself justifying your sin? Justifying your hurt? Justifying your feelings? Justifying your behavior? Where do you find yourself making excuses? Blaming others? Avoiding responsibility? Self-righteousness is the most deadly of sins. Turn to the Lord. Wrestle with Him. Let Him break you so that He might restore all you have lost.  

Readings for tomorrow: Genesis 34-37