Readings for today: Psalms 15, 23-25, 47
I am a “one” on the Enneagram. A perfectionist whose primal fears are corruption, deceit, imbalance, and immorality. These fears lead to stress which creates anxiety. When I am anxious, I tend to be resentful, even angry. My buttons get pushed and I literally can feel my blood begin to boil inside. In the face of these feelings, my temptation is to deny them. Play the hypocrite. Not acknowledge my anger because it is not morally good and therefore must be rejected. This results in continual self-recrimination. The critical voices in my head rise to a cacophony of shame and condemnation as I fail to live up to my own high ideals. It’s frankly exhausting.
“God, who gets invited to dinner at your place? How do we get on your guest list? Walk straight, act right, tell the truth.” (Psalms 15:1-2 MSG)
“Who can climb Mount God? Who can scale the holy north-face? Only the clean-handed, only the pure-hearted; Men who won’t cheat, women who won’t seduce.” (Psalms 24:3-4 MSG)
“Keep watch over me and keep me out of trouble; Don’t let me down when I run to you. Use all your skill to put me together; I wait to see your finished product.” (Psalms 25:20-21 MSG)
This stuff is music to my ears. It speaks my love language. Goodness. Righteousness. Moral uprightness. Holy perfection. All good things. All important things. And yet, none of these things actually lead me to health. They do not assuage my anxiety. They only serve to feed my fears. They throw me back on my own strength. My own effort. Which I already know is never enough. So what’s a “one” on the Enneagram to do? Continue playing the hypocrite? Continue pretending he or she has it all together? Continue presenting an image to the world that is good and upright and moral and perfect?
By no means! The “one” must instead cling to message of Psalm 23. One of my favorites, by the way. “God, my shepherd! I don’t need a thing. You have bedded me down in lush meadows, you find me quiet pools to drink from. True to your word, you let me catch my breath and send me in the right direction.” (Psalms 23:1-3 MSG) Peace comes as I trust in the Lord. Serenity comes as my soul rests in Him. All my stress. All my anxieties. All my fears fade away when I let the Lord be my shepherd. He takes care of all my wants. He makes me lie down and rest in green pastures, beside still waters. These words are balm to my soul.
This morning when I woke, I found my heart reset to its default position. (This happens pretty much every morning by the way!) As soon as I opened my eyes, the voices in my head start clamoring for attention. “Get up! You have so much to do! So much to accomplish! You’re already behind! You’re already letting people down! You’re already failing!” As I said above, my temptation is to argue. To fight. To try to silence those voices through my own Herculean efforts. But God charts a different path for me. The path of grace. And His Words became my words as I pray, “My head is high, God, held high; I’m looking to you, God; No hangdog skulking for me…He gives the rejects his hand, And leads them step-by-step. From now on every road you travel Will take you to God… Follow the Covenant signs; Read the charted directions…God-friendship is for God-worshipers; They are the ones he confides in…Keep watch over me and keep me out of trouble; Don’t let me down when I run to you.” (Psalms 25:1-2, 9-10, 14, 20 MSG) As God’s voice fills my head and heart, I find the other voices retreating into the background. Yes, they are still there but it’s more of a murmur than a roar and I can now go about my day filled with God’s peace.
How does God speak to you? To your basic fears? Primal drives? Baseline desires? How does He lead you to health and wholeness and healing and peace?
Readings for tomorrow: Psalms 89, 96, 100-101, 107