Readings for today: Genesis 30-33
Jacob is one of my favorites. He and I are so alike. I can remember when I was young making all these pacts with God. If God would take care of me…if God would provide for me…if God would come through for me…then I would be faithful. I would serve Him. Ultimately, of course, I was asking God to bless my plans. I was treating God like a genie in a lamp. I wanted Him to meet my needs. I wanted Him to give me what I desired. I never thought to ask Him what His desires were for my life. Nor was “submission” in my vocabulary. So I went about my life trying to make it all happen on my own. In my own strength. According to my own wisdom. There was a lot of manipulation and scheming and lying in those days. I hurt a lot of people I loved. Eventually, it all caught up to me and I found myself in a very dark place. That’s when I first wrestled with God.
Back in 2009, my life was at a breaking point. My job was not going well. I could feel the walls closing in. Every conversation with those I reported to seemed to end in conflict. I felt helpless. I was discouraged. It took a huge effort just to get out of bed each day. Rather than own my responsibility for the condition I found myself in, I blamed others. I retreated emotionally and relationally from those I loved. I neglected my wife and children. I spent hours distracting myself. All to no avail. This went on for months. My wife grew more and more distant and angry and upset. My children bore the brunt of my frustration. And I justified every bit of it because I was hurt. I was misunderstood. I was being let down. Finally my wife sat me down for the hardest conversation we’ve ever had in our marriage. “I never thought I’d ever say this but I don’t like being married to you. You need to decide between me and your job. You have 24 hours.” Her words broke me. That night I wrestled with God. I yelled at Him. Shook my fists. Blamed Him for everything that had gone wrong. For hours I paced the floor, pouring out all my fears and frustrations at Him. He simply listened and waited. Eventually I exhausted myself and said, “God, I need your help. I’ve made a mess of my life. I’ve got nothing left. And I’m afraid I’m going to lose everything I hold dear.” God replied, “I know. I’m sitting in the middle of the mess with you. I’ve never left your side. I know you are afraid. I know you’ve failed. I know you’ve hurt those you love the most. But I can restore all things if you will simply hand your life over to me.” Thankfully, I did. It’s taken years but God has not only restored my marriage and my family and my career but He has given me so much more.
Jacob begins his journey to Laban’s household in much the same way. He makes pacts with God, assuming God will bless his plans. Genesis 28:20-21, "If God will be with me and will keep me in this way that I go, and will give me bread to eat and clothing to wear, so that I come again to my father's house in peace, then the Lord shall be my God...” And for the next two decades, he worked hard at life. He got married. He had children. He amassed a fortune. He thought he was doing it all on his own. And he’s not the only one. Everyone involved in the story seems to think they are in charge. Leah and Rachel battle over who gets to sleep with Jacob, each trying to win Jacob’s affections by having as many children as possible. Leah even “buys” a night with Jacob from Rachel with mandrakes (an ancient aphrodisiac)! Laban and Jacob try to outscheme one another as they compete for flocks of goats. Laban removing a certain number. Jacob countering this (or so he thinks) by superstitiously having his goats breed in front of certain trees that have been peeled, etc. It’s all very humorous in a way and I actually think we are meant to laugh along with the story as it unfolds.
Of course, the impact of all this scheming and manipulation is brokenness. Jacob’s relationship with Laban deteriorates to the point where he realizes he needs to flee. For seven days, Laban chases him until God comes to him in a dream warning him not to touch Jacob. But that’s not the worst of it. Jacob has gone from the frying pan into the fire as he knows he will have to face his brother Esau again. The last time he saw Esau, his brother wanted to kill him and now he hears Esau is bringing four hundred men to meet him. Jacob’s scared. Anxious. Afraid. He’s trapped between Laban and Esau. Two men who hate him for what he’s done. He cannot escape. So he does the only thing he knows how to do. He puts together a plan. He divides his camp with the hope one can escape. He puts together a large gift and sends it on ahead hoping to ease Esau’s anger. And after he has completed all his preparations, he finds himself alone. Alone with his fears. Alone with his anxiety. All alone in the dark.
That’s when God shows up and He begins to go to work on Jacob. Wrestling with him. Struggling with him. Forcing Jacob to come to grips with himself on a lot of levels. Forcing Jacob to face his past, his sin, his fear, his brokenness. But Jacob is a strong and stubborn man. He fights God all night long. He doesn’t want to give in. Doesn’t want to surrender. Finally, God dislocates his hip. And Jacob is defeated. But even in his defeat, Jacob won’t let go. Not until God blesses him. So God gives him a new name. From this point forward Jacob will be known as Israel which means “God-contended.” Jacob had fought with God and had prevailed. Not that he beat God but that he beat himself. He finally came to grips with who he was before God. Something he confirms in 32:30 when he says, "For I have seen God face to face, and yet my life has been spared.” Jacob is humbled. He’s finally surrendered. He’s finally submitted himself to God and one can see his heart change in his reconciliation with Esau.
What’s your relationship with God like? Is it transactional? Meaning, you scratch God’s back and He scratch’s yours? Do you find yourself asking God to bless your plans or are you seeking His plan for your life? Have you ever wrestled with God like Jacob? Have you ever been humbled by God? Broken by God? I certainly have been at several points in my own life. It’s part of the discipleship process. We must learn to surrender our own will to His and it’s not an easy or always pleasant process.
Readings for tomorrow: Genesis 34-37