Readings for today: Job 41-42, Psalm 1, Acts 15
Job’s words hit me hard today. “I know that you can do all things, and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted. ‘Who is this that hides counsel without knowledge?’ Therefore I have uttered what I did not understand, things too wonderful for me, which I did not know. ‘Hear, and I will speak; I will question you, and you make it known to me.’ I had heard of you by the hearing of the ear, but now my eye sees you; therefore I despise myself, and repent in dust and ashes.” (Job 42:2-6)
“I know you can do all things and no purpose of yours can be thwarted.” While I acknowledge this truth intellectually, I too often live as if everything depended on me. One of the weaknesses God has been exposing in me lately is my lack of dependence on Him. The sin of self-sufficiency. I get so wrapped up in what I am doing. So confident in my own wisdom and strength and ability. And then things go sideways. Expectations are not met. Boundaries are crossed. Plans get waylaid. Disappointment and discouragement sets in. I start to believe the lie that somehow God’s plan has failed. Somehow God has let me down. Nothing could be further from the truth.
“Who is this that hides counsel without knowledge?” Too often it is me. I utter what I do not understand. I speak of things too wonderful for me which I do not know. God says, “Listen, and I will speak. I will question you and you will answer.” But I don’t listen enough. I don’t wait enough. I don’t sit in silence enough. Instead, I rush on ahead. Overconfident in my course. Assuming I have the blessing of God on my life. I am impatient. I am headstrong. I am full of pride. If I am totally honest, I am also a little afraid. I don’t want to slow down. Slowing down and sitting in God’s presence means having to answer some uncomfortable questions. Slowing down and reflecting means coming to grips with some uncomfortable truths. About myself. About my attitudes. My thoughts. My actions. I don’t want to slow down because I am afraid of God’s questions. I am afraid to have to give an answer for why I spend my time the way I do. Why I spend my money the way I do. Why I love the things I love and serve the things I serve.
You see, I am too much like Job’s friends in this way. I’ve been professionally trained in theology by some of the most brilliant theologians at one of the top seminaries in the world. But too often I neglect the weightier matters of acting justly, walking humbly, and loving mercy. Too often I refuse to let the Spirit re-order the loves and desires of my heart. I like to hold God at a distance. I want Him close but not too close if you know what I mean. For so many years, I settled for knowing about God. I heard His Word preached. I heard those around me talk about Him. They described Him as if He were real but I wasn’t sure I believed it. Then I met God face to face and everything changed. There simply is no substitute for God’s presence. It is a consuming fire that burns even as it purifies. To this day, when I stop long enough to truly contemplate God’s beauty and glory and splendor and majesty, I fall on my face in worship. I despise myself. All my trophies. All my achievements. All my successes. Everything I might hold onto for self-esteem, affirmation, and identity turns to dust and ash before the Lord as He strips me bare. My only response is repentance. Godly sorrow over my ruined state. Deep joy and thankfulness for what Christ has done for me.
Readings for tomorrow: Psalms 2-3, Acts 16:1-15