Readings for today: Exodus 11-12, Matthew 18:21-35
“Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother or sister sin against me, and I forgive them? As many as seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times.” (Matthew 18:21-22)
I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve asked Jesus this same question. Lord, how many times must I forgive? How many times must I forgive the one who hurt me? How many times must I forgive the one who betrayed me? How many times must I forgive the one who abandoned me? How many times must I forgive the one who let me down. Frankly, most of the time, that “other” person has been the guy staring back at me in the mirror. He seems to be the hardest for me to forgive but there have been others as well.
I think of a person I knew many years ago. I was doing church planting work in Wisconsin. We built a friendship. I thought we might even become partners in the work God was doing. He seemed friendly enough. We had meals together. We spent time with him and his wife. Our children loved staying over at their house. But about six months in, something changed. To this day, I do not know what happened. What I do know is he started to sabotage the work I was doing with the board. He planted rumors questioning my integrity. He attacked my character constantly behind my back. When I would speak to him face to face and ask him what I had done wrong, he would become evasive. When I would ask him for forgiveness for whatever it was that I had done to hurt him, he would refuse to acknowledge it. Week after week. Month after month. I met with him regularly seeking reconciliation. Sadly, it never happened. Things only escalated and eventually reached a point where he physically threatened me. Outraged, I ended the relationship.
Unfortunately, the damage was done. The church planting work we were engaging in imploded all around us. I was utterly broken. My wife was utterly broken. I resigned my position. It was the darkest time of my life. For a few months, I averaged about 2-3 hours of sleep a night. I would pace the living room floor, yelling at God. Angry with Him for all that had happened. Blaming Him from bringing me to this place. Allowing me to fail. Subjecting me to all kinds of hurt and pain. God held me close in those months. Closer than I realized. Finally, my anger was spent. I was exhausted. And there in the darkness as I lay on the floor worn out by all my raging at God, He spoke to me. Told me He loved me. Told me everything I was going through was part of His will to break me down so I could be built back up in His image. I surrendered. I accepted. His grace overwhelmed me.
A few weeks later, one of my daughters got sick. It was H1N1 and it was serious. We rushed her to the hospital and discovered she had double pneumonia. They drained her lungs. We sat and prayed by her bedside for days. During that time, I got a call. It was the person who had threatened me. They wanted to let bygones be bygones and come to the hospital. I felt the familiar anger well up inside. God intervened. He was quick to remind me of the grace He had shown me. I felt a peace come over me. I shared with the person that I forgave them for all that had happened. I was thankful for the ways God had used our broken relationship to bring me to a deeper, richer faith. I shared with them how much I appreciated their love and concern for our daughter. And I also shared with them that I was not comfortable with them coming to the hospital to visit as we needed to focus all of our energy on our daughter. They were disappointed but understood.
Forgiveness is hard. Because it is so hard, so few seem to practice it. Including Christians. I cannot tell you the number of believers who have told me they would “never be able to forgive” this person or that person for what they have done. I cannot tell you the number of Christians I know who have walked out on relationships. Walked out on churches. Walked out even on God because they simply could not bring themselves to forgive. They forget that forgiveness is a divine act. It is not something we can muster up the strength to do ourselves. It only comes as we reflect on the grace we’ve been given in Jesus Christ. We can only forgive as we ourselves are forgiven by our Father in heaven. If you are struggling to forgive someone in your life today, let me encourage you not to dwell on all they have done to you but all that the Father has done for you. Reflect on the immensity of the grace given to you so that can then extend that grace out to others. The one who has been forgiven much, forgives much. The one who has been forgiven little, forgives little. /
Readings for tomorrow: Matthew 13-15, Matthew 19:1-15