Readings for today: Genesis 31-35, Matthew 12
One of the things I love most about God is His willingness to wrestle with us. His willingness to get down in the mud with us. He is not afraid to get his hands dirty. Not afraid to engage us in the deepest, darkest places of our hearts. Not afraid of our outbursts of anger. Not afraid of our doubts and questions. We can bring all this to God. Meet Him unafraid and unashamed and struggle with Him over His sovereign will for our lives. God is not after robots. He is not after automatons. He doesn’t want uncritical, unthinking obedience. He wants our hearts. He wants our souls. He wants our bodies. He wants our minds. He wants all of us. Every part of us must eventually surrender to Him. And that’s a fight because our sinful nature pushes back.
My mother would tell you I’ve always been independent. Even as a child. I didn’t like to cuddle. Didn’t like to be held. I would push back against her when she would try to wrap me up in her arms. When I got older and headed off for my first day of school, I shed no tears. Just got out of the car and walked towards the school, no looking back. Recently, she and I had breakfast together. We talked about how I am still pretty independent. She loves me. She’s proud of me. She’d love for me to need her for something. Anything. I do the same thing with God if I am honest. I push back. I don’t like to be wrapped up in His arms. I want to be independent. Do my own thing. I don’t want to need Him. I like to pretend like I have it all together. Like I’m good on my own. It’s all a lie of course. I do need God. I do need my mom. I am not an independent creature. It is not good for me to be alone.
It’s taken some hard experiences for me to learn this about myself. Experiences much like Jacob had. Jacob’s entire life is a house of cards. He steals his brother’s birthright. Steals his brother’s blessing. Steals from his uncle. He is constantly manipulating and scheming in order to get ahead. Frankly, he even tries to “scheme” God. But now he’s got to face the consequences. Now all the chickens have come home to roost. His brother is on his way to meet him. When last they say each other, Esau was in a murderous rage. Now Jacob’s afraid. Is his brother coming to exact vengeance? Is his brother coming to kill him and his family? This is what drives Jacob down to the Jabbok to wrestle all night with God. Have you ever done the same?
Like Jacob, I know what it’s like to wrestle with God all night. I’ve been there and done that. I’ve battled Him. I’ve fought with Him. I’ve watched the sun rise and set only to do it all over again. This was my life in the fall of 2009. I averaged 2-3 hours of sleep a night for a few months. God and I went to war over my life. My family. My ministry. My future. Everything I have and everything I hold dear was in play. Finally, there came a point where He simply broke me. He broke my heart. He broke my spirit. He broke my pride. And while the pain was intense and real, there was relief as well. A profound sense of freedom flooded my being. I’ve been walking with a limp ever since.
Where have you wrestled like Jacob? Where are you wrestling like Jacob? Where are you mad at God? Frustrated with God? Upset with God? What questions do you have for Him? Doubts? Fears that need to be expressed? Where are you resisting Him? Pushing back against His will? Struggling to accept His sovereign plan? Today’s passage invites you into the ring! To grapple with God honestly! God’s a big boy! He can handle everything you throw at Him and more! Let your guard down and lay it all out before your Lord. Fight Him until you break before His relentless love and grace.
Readings for tomorrow: None