Readings for today: Psalms 15, 23-25, 47
I am a “one” on the Enneagram. For those of you not familiar with the tool, the Enneagram helps a person grow in self-understanding. It helps you identify your basic fears, drives, and desires. It gives you a pathway to health, virtue, and holiness. It also reveals your susceptibility to particular temptations, vices, and stress. So, again, I am a “one” on the Enneagram. A perfectionist whose primal fears are corruption, deceit, imbalance, and immorality. These fears lead to stress which creates anxiety. When I am anxious, I tend to be resentful, even angry. My buttons get pushed and I literally can feel my blood begin to boil inside. In the face of these feelings, my temptation is to deny them. Play the hypocrite. Not acknowledge my anger because it is not morally good and therefore must be rejected. This results in continual self-condemnation. The critical voices in my head rise to a cacophony of shame as I fail to live up to my own high ideals. It’s frankly exhausting.
“O Lord, who shall sojourn in your tent? Who shall dwell on your holy hill? He who walks blamelessly and does what is right and speaks truth in his heart...” (Psalms 15:1-2)
“Who shall ascend the hill of the Lord? And who shall stand in his holy place? He who has clean hands and a pure heart, who does not lift up his soul to what is false and does not swear deceitfully.” (Psalms 24:3-4)
“Oh, guard my soul, and deliver me! Let me not be put to shame, for I take refuge in you. May integrity and uprightness preserve me, for I wait for you.” (Psalms 25:20-21)
This stuff is music to a “one’s” ears. It speaks my love language. Goodness. Righteousness. Moral uprightness. Holy perfection. All good things. All important things. And yet, none of these things actually lead me to health. They do not assuage my anxiety. They only serve to feed my fears. They throw me back on my own strength. My own effort. Which I already know is never enough. So what’s a “one” to do? Continue playing the hypocrite? Continuing pretending he or she has it all together? Continue presenting an image to the world that is good and upright and moral?
By no means! The “one” must instead cling to message of Psalm 23. One of my favorites, by the way. “The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.” (Psalms 23:1-3) Peace comes as I trust in the Lord. Serenity comes as my soul rests in Him. All my stress. All my anxieties. All my fears fade away when I let the Lord be my shepherd. He takes care of all my wants. He makes me lie down and rest in green pastures, beside still waters. These words are balm to my soul.
Every morning when I wake, I find my heart ”reset” to its default position. As soon as I open my eyes, the voices in my head start clamoring for attention. “Get up! You have so much to do! So much to accomplish! You’re already behind! You’re already letting people down! You’re already failing!” As I said above, my temptation is to argue. To fight. To try to silence those voices through my own Herculean efforts. But God charts a different path for me. The path of grace. And His Words became my words as I pray, “To you, O Lord, I lift up my soul. O my God, in you I trust; let me not be put to shame; let not my enemies exult over me...He leads the humble in what is right, and teaches the humble his way. All the paths of the Lord are steadfast love and faithfulness, for those who keep his covenant and his testimonies...The friendship of the Lord is for those who fear him, and he makes known to them his covenant...Oh, guard my soul, and deliver me! Let me not be put to shame, for I take refuge in you.” (Psalms 25:1-2, 9-10, 14, 20) As God’s voice fills my head and heart, I find the other voices retreating into the background. Yes, they are still there but it’s more of a murmur than a roar and I can now go about my day filled with God’s peace.
We are living through a very stressful time. A time of great fear and anxiety. And the temptation will be to let this season drive you to the darker corners of your heart. Longing to numb the pain or regain control, you may find yourself acting out in ways that are self-destructive or painful for those around you. You may find your relationships starting to strain. The key is NOT to work harder or longer or more efficiently. The key is to rest in the arms of the Good Shepherd. Let go of control. Let go of the need to succeed. Let go of the need to have it altogether. Ask for help if needed. Reach out to those who can come alongside. Make a call to a mental health professional or your pastor and ask for an appointment. Trust God has provided these means for the well-being of the sheep of His pasture.
Readings for tomorrow: Psalms 89, 96, 100, 101, 107