Readings for the day: Proverbs 27-29
I confess I have a strong need for affirmation. A strong need to be admired. A strong need to be respected. A strong need for praise. It began when I was young. Growing up in a demanding environment where it often felt like my best was never good enough. The bar always just a bit out of reach. I got good grades but not straight A’s. I played football and lacrosse at a high level, even made all-state in lacrosse, but the conversations after games tended to center on my mistakes. I made Eagle Scout, thankfully the highest rank one could achieve but was pushed to get there as quick as possible. Looking back, I don’t actually blame anyone. Not my parents or grandparents. We are just a high-achieving family. However, there is a darker side to all things and the darker side to this approach to parenting is that I became starved for affirmation.
Solomon seems to believe this is a common condition and he offers advice on how to deal with praise in a godly manner. “Do not boast about tomorrow, for you do not know what a day may bring.” (Prov. 27:1) Perhaps another way of saying, “Do not count your chickens before they hatch.” Do not assume anything. Do not take anything for granted. Do not fall into the trap of believing tomorrow is guaranteed. Do not fall into the trap of believing life moves from one success to another. There is failure. There is disappointment. There is pain. These are realities one cannot escape. “Let another praise you, and not your own mouth; a stranger, and not your own lips.” (Prov. 21:2) When you achieve something good, do not self-promote. This is incredibly counter-cultural in a social media world where self-promotion is the name of the game. Our self-worth is often rooted in the number of “likes” and “follows” we get on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. We post information to make sure everyone knows what we’ve done but Solomon encourages us to go the opposite way. To leave the praise to others. Leave the promotion to others. Leave the affirmation to others. Let it rise organically as it will mean so much more. “The crucible is for silver, and the furnace is for gold, and a man is tested by his praise.” (Prov. 27:21) What does the praise of others do to your soul? Does it tap those wells of pride in your heart? Do you find yourself hungering and thirsting for the recognition? Or do you go the opposite way? Do you deflect? Self-deprecate? Refuse to accept honest, heartfelt praise when it is given? Both betray a prideful heart that must be crucified. True humility is learning to accept praise when it is offered. Receiving affirmation for a job well done with a simple, “Thank you.”
Another way to determine how you good you are at handling praise is to look at how you handle criticism. Are you able to receive critique when it is offered? Are you able to humbly submit to those in authority over your life such as a parent, coach, teacher, employer, etc? When they correct you, do you accept it or resist it? And what about when a peer confronts you? A co-worker or friend? Are you able to receive their rebuke or do you blameshift? React negatively? Push them away? Solomon challenges us to remain humble. “Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy.” (Prov. 27:6) When someone you love plucks up the courage to have the hard conversation with you...listen. They are being faithful. They are demonstrating great love and care and concern for you. Surround yourself with friends who are willing to tell you the truth even when it hurts rather than a bunch of people who only flatter you and tell you how great you are. They do not have your best in mind. “Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.” (Prov. 27:17) Bang two pieces of iron together and sparks often fly. Growing as a person is not easy. It requires struggle. Struggle is good. Fighting. Wrestling. Battling oneself is an essential requirement to becoming the person God created us to be. Jesus clearly teaches us that following Him requires death to self. We cannot do this on our own. We need people who will encourage us in this effort. “He who is often reproved, yet stiffens his neck, will suddenly be broken beyond healing.” (Prov. 29:1) Resistance only leads to more pain. Take it from me. I’ve experienced the deep brokenness that comes from refusing to listen to those who had my best in mind. In my pride I thought I knew better. In my arrogance, I believed I had all the answers. And it took my face hitting the pavement for me to learn humility.
Where do you find yourself this morning? Are you able to take a step back and evaluate your life? When was the last time you received a rebuke? Listened to a critique? Humbled yourself before others? And what do you do with praise? When you achieve something, is your first instinct to share it on social media and what are you hoping to gain? What happens in your heart if you don’t get a bunch of likes? Look back over the posts you’ve made over the years, what kind of image are you projecting to the world? Is it real? Or manufactured to garner praise? What steps do you need to take to follow Solomon’s advice?