Readings for the day: Job 10, 11, 12, 13
Fear. Anger. Depression. These are familiar feelings. The fall of 2009 was a dark period in my life. My ministry lay in ruins all around me and I was utterly broken. I had resigned. As far as I knew, my career was over. I had a little severance but no idea what was next. How I would provide for my family? How I would feed my four children? My wife worked but it wasn’t near enough to cover the bills. I was desperate. Alone. Afraid. For several months, I averaged about three to four hours of sleep a night. The rest of the time I would pace up and down in my living room, crying out to God. Fighting with God. Yelling at God. Weeping before God. The experience was deeply humbling. It took me to the end of myself and beyond. I was stripped. Laid bare before the Lord. Much of what I held dear was taken from me. My life shaken to its foundations.
“Why did you bring me out from the womb? Would that I had died before any eye had seen me and were as though I had not been, carried from the womb to the grave. Are not my days few? Then cease, and leave me alone, that I may find a little cheer before I go—and I shall not return— to the land of darkness and deep shadow, the land of gloom like thick darkness, like deep shadow without any order, where light is as thick darkness." (Job 10:18-22) I resonate with these words from Job. In the darkest time of my life, Job was my counselor. I spent hours with him, pouring over his words. Job gave me permission to acknowledge the darkness. Job gave me courage to face the darkness. Job helped me understand that it is in the deepest darkness of our lives, our lowest point, that we finally come face to face with God. It’s a terrifying experience. To come before the Lord naked. With empty hands. With nothing of our own to cling to. To walk through the valley of the shadow of death.
Shall we accept good from God and not evil? Those were Job’s words to his wife when he was stricken with disease. For me, it was the words of the prophet Isaiah, “Yet it was the will of the Lord to crush him; he has put him to grief; when his soul makes an offering for guilt, he shall see his offspring; he shall prolong his days; the will of the Lord shall prosper in his hand.” (Is. 53:10) Yes, I know these words refer primarily to Jesus but the Spirit impressed them on my heart as well. What if it’s God’s will to crush me? To put me to grief? Is my theology big enough to include the temporal suffering of the righteous? Clearly, for Zophar and the rest of Job’s friends, it is not.
“If you prepare your heart, you will stretch out your hands toward him. If iniquity is in your hand, put it far away, and let not injustice dwell in your tents. Surely then you will lift up your face without blemish; you will be secure and will not fear.” (Job 11:13-15) Zophar takes the knife from Bildad and twists it deeper. Job continues to defend himself against his well-meaning but misguided friends. He rejects their superficial understanding of God. He continues to press his case against the Almighty. Job is processing his faith out loud as it were. He has reached the point of despair and the open question that looms over this entire book is this - will God answer? Will God respond? Does God meet us in our despair?
Job seems to believe so. “Though He slay me, I will hope in Him...” (Job 13:15) Does our faith transcend even death? Does our hope and trust in the Lord extend beyond the boundaries of this life? In our darkest moments, do we believe “even the darkness is not dark to You? The night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light with You.” (Psalm 139:12) This is what I discovered. When things were at their most desperate. When life was at its most uncertain. When everything I held dear was slipping through my grasp, this one truth remained. God. And when that realization came flooding in, everything changed. No, not my circumstances. Not my fortunes. Not my future. Though all those things did eventually come with time. No, what changed for me was the orientation of my heart. The orientation of my soul. My faith moved from my head to my heart to an even deeper place. I received from God a foundation not made with human hands that continues to sustain me to this day.
Suffering is never without purpose. Not with God. In fact, it’s often where He does His best work.