Yesterday, my wife and I celebrated our 19th wedding anniversary and through the years we've had so many people ask us about the secret to a great marriage. And I have to say it's incredibly humbling to learn people look to us for such an example! Even yesterday, I had people ask how it's possible for our relationship to be better than ever? Was it just random chance? Did we just luck out? Happen to find each other? Were we soulmates from the beginning? And it makes Kristi and I chuckle a bit. If only people knew...
When Kristi and I first met and started dating, we could not be more different. Friends literally took bets on how long it would last. Kristi was in counseling for co-dependency and I should have been! I was as independent as they come. The easiest example to share about how truly far apart we were is what would happen on a lot of Friday nights. Friday nights had been designated "guy night" for me to hang with my college buddies. On many of those nights, I would get a phone call at about 5:30, right before I was headed out, from Kristi who would be crying. She was clingy. She needed me. And I, in my compassion and mercy, would hang up on her! (Seriously, how we survived those early years is baffling to me to this day!) We were so different that one of our marriage mentor couples not only believed we wouldn't make it but that we would actually be bad for each other! (The scary thing for us was that this was their professional opinion! He is a psychiatrist and she is a therapist! Ouch!) So clearly, the odds were stacked against us!
However, Kristi and I had a few things going for us and as we talked things over last night at dinner - trying to answer the question our friends had asked about the secret to a great marriage - these are what we came up with...
- Faith: Kristi and I have always tried to put Christ first. In our individual lives and in our marriage. We first started dating as very young or "baby Christians" as my wife likes to say. So we have the advantage of "growing up" together in our faith. Our faith in Christ is the single most important thing in both our lives. It is beyond question. Even in our darkest moments - the loss of our first child, being on the brink of separation/divorce in early 2009 - we've had Jesus in common.
- Community: Our faith was formed in college in a campus ministry known as University Christian Fellowship (UCF). Now known as the "Annex", it was a non-denominational ministry based out of First Presbyterian Church in Boulder, CO and led by a dynamic and godly couple, Mike and Shari Gaffney. The influence this group had on us cannot be measured. They taught us that no one is an island. No relationship can stand alone. There must be deep networks of support and encouragement. We forged friendships and mentoring relationships that still exist to this day. We learned how to live vulnerably and authentically before others. How to let people into our lives, confess our sins to one another, and the importance of accountability. These are spiritual disciplines we've practiced now for nineteen years together.
- Mutuality: Living life with this intentionality has shaped how we think and how we feel about each other. Very early on in our marriage, we made a (conscious and subconscious) decision to live according to the truth of Ephesians 5. Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit to your husbands. Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and laid down his life for her. We think of ourselves as a single unit. United. Together. As one. Not as two individuals doing life together. Not even as two individual Christians doing life together. The recovering "co-dependent" and the recovering "in-dependent" both learning to become inter-dependent.
How does that functionally play out? It means what happens to one of us, happens to both of us. When one of us is suffering, we both suffer. When one of us rejoices, we both rejoice. When one of us has success, we both succeed. When one of us fails, we both fail. I am Kristi's greatest fan and she is mine. We try to always assume that each of us has the best intentions for our marriage. That we want each others good. Even in the midst of a conflict - and believe me, we have them! - our trust in each other remains unshakable.
Now this might all sound too good to be true so let me give you one more "secret" to a great marriage...always be willing to work on it! Kristi and I have seen counselors over the years when we've gotten stuck. We've tried to never go to bed angry but instead do the hard work of staying up and resolving our conflicts. There are times when one or both of us is so angry we have to take a break and come back to things. We've had passionate disagreements over the years. Our different personalities and backgrounds and life experiences often threaten to take us in different directions. All this to say, we are no different than any other couple except that we have put in nineteen years of hard work. We've learned each others love language and tried to practice it. Whatever one person needs, the other makes their aim to fulfill, no matter what it may be. We are often accused of being "too serious", "too sensitive", and "high maintenance." And we've learned to embrace rather than resent those labels.
The reality is great marriages don't just happen. They are not the product of random chance or finding "Mr/Mrs. Right." You don't just "luck" into a great marriage. They are built. They are grown. They are nurtured over time and with a lot of effort. And they are worth it! Worth all the blood, sweat, and tears you put in! My wife is my best friend, partner, coach, and spiritual hero. She is the person I most admire in life. The person I would rather spend each day with. The person I love waking up to every morning. And the person I thank God most for each and every night I get into bed. I believe this is what God wants for every marriage...not just mine. His promise is sure. If you will seek His will for your marriage, you will be blessed!