I am a husband. A father. A son. A leader. A pastor. A professor. I have served in these some of these roles my whole life. Others for just a few years. One of the things I have learned is that the longer you are in a role, the more the system around you becomes a reflection of your strengths and weaknesses. For example, as a father of four kids, I can see in them my gifts and abilities. I can also see in them my shortcomings and faults. It's like looking in a mirror of sorts each and every day and being confronted with what is good about me and what is not good. My wife and I have been together for almost 25 years now and I can see how being married to me has shaped her over those years in both positive and negative ways. I am the pastor of a church. Over the last seven years that I have had the privilege to serve her, I can see where my strengths have built her up and encouraged her and my weaknesses have created barriers for her to grow.
Recently, I attended a meeting with other pastors of churches that are similar to mine for the purpose of getting some coaching around how to be a better leader. And I have so much to learn. The image I came back with is of me staring down into an abyss, recognizing that what I'm seeing is the darkened depths of my own heart and soul. It is a bit scary. Daunting. I am not sure what I will find down there. I've reached a place of comfort with where I am in life and going deeper is not something I find attractive. It means letting go of what I know and embracing what I do not yet know. About myself. About my personality. About how I not only lead but do life. St. Augustine once prayed, "O God ever the same, let me know myself, let me know You." He understood - as all those who follow Christ come to understand - that there is this symbiotic relationship between self-knowledge and our knowledge of God.
Going deeper requires courage. Vulnerability. Transparency with oneself and others. It requires hard conversations. Humility to listen to a lot of voices and then discernment to decide which of those voices is the voice of God speaking into your life. It requires submission to those who have authority over me and who offer feedback I need to hear. Most of all, it requires a conversation with Scripture. A willingness to let God's Word be God's Word to me. To my heart. To my soul. It requires me to trust God's Truth more than my own truth, my own feelings, my own thoughts. And that gives me hope. Because God's Word is a "lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path." God's Word tells me that "God is light and in Him is no darkness at all." God's Word tells me that Jesus Christ is the light that "shines in the darkness" and that the darkness cannot overcome Him. So even as I begin to let go of where I am and descend to the place God is calling me to be, I do so not cloaked in darkness but in the light of Christ's presence. There is never a moment I am alone. Never a moment I am left in the dark. Never a moment when I will be lost. For Christ is always with me and what I am learning, He is revealing.
ostscript: o those who may be reading this from my church family...please don't be anxious. This is a good and necessary journey for me to take if I am to serve you well as your pastor. I often say, "None of us is a finished product" and that is as true for me as anyone. God isn't done with any of us yet and that's a very good thing. So just be praying for me as I pray for you and together we'll get to catch a glimpse of the glory God is revealing in us!